Spicy Crispy Chicken Burger Championships
Match 4 - McDonalds vs. Hardees

Due to some rain delays in form of end of year festivities, visitors to Dubai and the general partying like mad on the couch watching marathons of anything we've had a bit of time pass between the last match, so what better way to kick things back off with a faceoff between the juggernaut of McDonalds with its spicy variant of the tried and tested McChicken taking on the might of the not so small Hardees Jalapeno Chicken. Winning the toss Hardees kicks off the first half, and despite the game just starting it's a tired looking burger that kind of resembles the old drunk homeless guy that's always on the corner, he might be grumpy and angry but he's reliable and will be there till he dies. The team at Hardees use what looks to be a proper breast fillet of chicken that's battered and fried hopefully in lard, and thrown onto a reasonably soft bun with some actual real lettuce, a slice or two of tomato, a pathetic pale piece of cheese and some spicy mayo with a few pickled jalapenos, it's up to these last mentioned guys to carry the team and get these guys over the line. And you what? From the first bite to the last it's clear these poor sods are the underdogs, the patty had lost all crispiness, the lettuce and tomato should have been left on the sideline, the cheese was almost not cheese and the spicy mayo, while it was ok simply wasn't enough and not helped at all by the not at all hot jalapenos, at the end of the day this actually was exactly how I expected it to be, a boring lifeless burger that while not vomit worthy, was just a exercise in banality.


The golden arches charge onto the field, bursting with freshness and vitality, I'm being sarcastic of course, there's no bursting going on here apart from the filthy standard issue mayonnaise that comes in those disgusting tubes that are literally shot onto the burgers, kinda like one of those makeup guns used by clowns. The McDonalds team are just arrogant and lazy, ignorant in their confidence of having served billions of these filthy chicken burgers to poor bastards and lower income families looking for the cheapest way to fill their empty, aching and groaning bellies. Sadly though, it's this vast ocean of people with little to no choice, spending just a few dollars in their hundreds of millions that funds the top echelon of white coats with their bunsen burners and beakers experimenting away for days on end until they develop that good times great laboratory taste from the cheapest, usually discarded, filthiest bits of the chicken. It never ceases to amaze me how they make this heavily processed 'meat' that is coated in some seriously secret stuff taste the way it does. Yes folks, Ronald's boys won, they battered (pun intended) the competition on this ocassion, the mild spiciness comes from the batter on the patty, its subtle, but melded with the triple processed factory cheese, that awful mayonnaise, shredded lettuce from bag that's been sitting in a walkin fridge for a few days and a bun thats so plain and boring it's used on nearly every other burger on the menu, it really makes whatever meat they use irrelevant.


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Posted 02.02.2016

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